In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
