It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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