You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
