No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
