just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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