I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
