forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
