I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
