I got chris browned last night
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
