Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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