woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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