I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
