i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
