how can u be prego again
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
