Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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