You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
