I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
BRING THE BAGELS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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