Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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