u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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