When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
