i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
