I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
