We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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