I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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