WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
