Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You made out with two different species that night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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