even my farts smell like vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
