Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
