It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
