you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
