Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
