I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
