Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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