you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
