Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
