if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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