I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
