After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
