He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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