I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it because I queefed?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
