And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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