Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
