dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize