Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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