I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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