Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
