i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
