there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
