If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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