were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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