Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
