just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
